Scarlett Letters

State of me: There's been a lot going on emotionally lately, things I have a hard time talking about. It's left me feeling tied up, strapped down. There are a lot of things I can't say to anyone ever. I've thought about finding a therapist, but I've spent so much of my life sitting in therapist's offices that the thought just exhausts me. And so here I am, with my . . . stuff. The worst of it is that I'm self-medicating with food. While I haven't undone everything I achieved a few years ago with my weight loss, I've undone a lot of it, which is another source of personal unhappiness.

Work: One thing I'm not afraid to vent about is the day job, the thought of which also exhausts me. When I took this particular job, I had some very lofty goals in mind. Those lofty goals got lost in the minutiae of the day-to-day and in office politics. This team isn't actually very political, but there's one person who's a little bit of a nightmare to work with. Personally, we get along well and share common interests. Professionally, she's kind of a minefield. I've already had informational interviews with another manager in an effort to explore my options outside my team. I hate the thoughts of leaving my team because I like most of them very much, but it's clear that my role is a dead end, and it's clear that if I stay I'll be subject to Miss Minefield's behavior regularly. It's making me anxious and angry. I've spoken with my manager about it; I've spoken with my grand-boss about it. I'm also considering broadening my search.

(As a side note to allanh, I'm developing a finer appreciation for what you're experiencing at work. This morning, I'm all out of f*cks to give. Today's mantra is, "If they want this sh*tty copy on the site and are willing to escalate to get it, that's exactly what I'll post. And I'll make a point to let everyone know whose responsibility it is. 'Cuz it sure ain't mine.")

Work on an uber-scale: I'm 52 years old. For much--not all but much--of my life, my day job has been that most necessary of necessities rather than a true vocation. My true vocations have been relegated to avocations: writing, art, photography, singing. I lay this at the feet of the loud old voices in my head that have proven harder to shake off than I ever would have believed. Part of it is that I haven't done the necessary work to not just shake them off, but silence them well and truly. It's hard. But at some point, I just have to shut them all up and make some decisions about what my priorities are. Time is growing shorter by the day (a fact which has been hammered into my awareness the last few years and especially lately) and if I want to achieve any of the dreams I had, I've got to get on the stick. Do something different. I've done two things so far: 1) I've started perusing the classes at Coursera.org. My thinking is that if I'm going to make a significant change in direction I need to dip my toe into a couple of different areas before I submerge myself; Coursera is one way to do said toe-dipping. 2) I've picked up some colored pencils and have been coloring mandalas in a Dover Publications collection. I have found it to be meditative and calming. Also quite satisfying. By the time I finished coloring my second mandala, I found myself wanting to do something more original. We'll see where that takes me.

Writing: I am in a tough spot. This is another area where I just can't . . . talk about what's going on. I hate it (being in the tough spot, not writing). I want to write. It's a struggle every damn day.

Edited to add: Here are the mandalas mentioned above. I can't take credit for the designs, but I did the coloring.

1) I've been watching Sleepy Hollow, and it occurred to me to post about it mainly because terri_osborne has been squeeing about it. I think I'm digging the concept of the show more than I am the show itself. I'll be sticking with the show for now, but I really hope they find a way to add a little more substance somewhere because there's something that's still not quite working for me. Maybe I don't buy Katrina. Maybe I don't buy Ichabod's wearing the same damn clothes for weeks on end. (What happens to his colonial authenticity when he finally buys himself a pair of jeans and a leather duster and gets out of the 200-year-old clothes in which he rose from the grave cave?) I'm buying Abby; I'm just not buying Ichabod the way I want to. I want him to be more of a fish out of water. I want him to react more to the things that are unfamiliar, to be uncomfortable with things that would have been unheard of in his time or that look like magic to him. I'm having trouble suspending my disbelief because the script and the performances don't give me hooks upon which to hang it.

2) Work seems to be an endless cycle of being told I should prioritize my own projects but being derailed again and again by little fires that must be put out right now. It's getting a little frustrating.

3) Everything connected to weight and food is challenging right now. I don't know if it the encroaching darkness of autumn or what, but eating well and getting exercise both seem to require a massive effort right now and it's making me a little crazy. I need to find my determination to be consciously healthy again and kick this business in the ass.

4) Tonight I'm attending SIFF's 40th anniversary member event. They're doing their annual member pre-sale for discounted festival ticket packages and passes, and showing Judi Dench's new movie Philomena, which Rotten Tomatoes shows a rating of 97%--a pretty remarkable score. I didn't know a thing about it until I started reading the summary over there, and then decided I didn't want spoilers--but it's looking like it will be an enjoyable evening, especially in the company of ironymaiden and varina8.

5) Why is it harder for me to get out the door in the morning when I face a bus commute than it was when I faced a car commute? Is it the darkness? Is it the prospect of dealing with other humans so early in the morning? I wonder.

1) I have discovered blackberry vines at the end of my street and on one street over. I've been living here something like 13 years and I never knew! I'm going to have free, fresh fruit for the rest of the summer. HAPPY!

2) I need to write about my weight-loss progress or, rather, my weight-maintenance progress. I really want to, but it'll take more time than I have this AM.

3) I've started to wear a pedometer. Rather than just counting my steps, I'm finding myself motivated to up the number of steps I take and to look for opportunities to walk. It's an interesting phenomenon.

4) The ENnie win for the Complete Kobold Guide to Game Design is awesome--but now I feel pressure to ensure that the next project I'm working on for Open Design is better and even more awesome. Is that how awards are supposed to work? (Of course, my writers have it worse; I'm cracking the whip a bit....)

5) As of today, I'm a month away from departure for my European trip and I'm very excited. At the same time, everyone else is getting ready to go to WorldCon and I have The Sad. And then I think: PARIS!

BONUS ITEM: 6) I've just had a story ("After This Life") accepted for Greek reprint publication--my second in that language, in the same magazine (Universe Pathways). YAY!

One of the things that I was looking forward to along my weight loss journey was being able to shop wherever I wanted to shop for clothes--no size restriction, no choice limitation. I've begun to taste this over the last couple of months, but this last week, I've been feeling it particularly. This afternoon I was downtown to pick up my birthday dress (a size 14--I don't remember when last I wore this size), and found myself standing in Westlake Center just looking around at all the places I could suddenly shop for clothes. I felt like the richest woman on the planet. I didn't have to shop at any of these places, but having the option felt like opulence. Like a luxury I could never afford--that I wasn't allowed to have.

It's really something.

1) Recently, when I told my doctor that I've been much more sensitive to the cold over the last eight months, I asked if she had any ideas about why this might be. Could it be oncoming menopause? Could there be something else? What might it be a symptom of, I asked. "Weight loss," she answered. Oh.

2) On this same subject, my bed isn't as comfortable as I thought it was. I have been told that it's not because the bed's not as well padded as I thought. It's because I'm no longer as well padded as I was. These are the things they don't tell you about weight loss.

3) Yesterday was stressful due to the conflict mentioned in my last post. Today was stressful due to a project at work. Tonight I came home to another stress-inducing thing. Actually, it's a stress-enhancing thing, because it's the result of new stress that manifested late last week and that I'll have to continue dealing with for another week or two. I am, officially, exhausted.

4) Check your credit rating. Seriously. Right now. Get a credit report and check it. I wasn't checking mine regularly and just got a nasty surprise. Really. Do it. You'll thank me.

5) Big plans are being made. Big. Plans. When I have more elements in place, I'll talk about them. But for the moment? For the moment I'll just say that it's going to be a pretty awesome autumn.

Sunday Summary:
--Brunch at my place (the cheese and veggie fritata was a smash)
--Archie McPhee for silliness
--UW Campus for cherry blossom viewing
--Sleep-over with niece

Monday Summary:
--Picked up the family and headed east to Snoqualmie for waterfall viewing, lunch at the candy factory, and a visit to the Northwest Railroad Museum
--Split up for the afternoon. They did the Underground Tour. I came home, finished reading The Sleeping Partner by our own madrobins about which more anon, and took a nap.
--Dinner at the 5 Spot
--Board game (specifically Mancala) at the hotel

Exhausting days, but good quality time.

My food program is completely blown. I want so badly to get back on the program but there's been so much eating out, and I find that I'm having a terrible time with discipline. I think that stress has just been getting to me. My bad old habits seem to be asserting themselves something fierce. I keep telling myself that after the family departs I can get back on the program--which is true. I also want to investigate some sort of fitness program, but my left knee worries me, and there won't be medical coverage until May to get that sorted out. ::sigh::

One thing at a time. Get through this week.

Recently, I mentioned my reach-for-food-for-comfort habit as part of a larger entry on being in maintenance mode. This self-medication with food is a lifelong habit, and one of the subgoals of my weight loss has been to learn other comfort strategies, other ways to deal with stress or sadness or boredom than by reaching for food.

Yesterday, I received news that didn't make me happy. As I said to overratedomac, I couldn't even really feel sad about it; I just felt numb and frustrated. As I wrote in the above-linked entry, I thought long and hard about going to get myself a sweet treat that would pack a significant calorie and fat-count hit to comfort myself. Somehow, though, it wasn't a very appealing prospect, mainly because I wasn't hungry. Putting more food inside me when I already felt full just seemed like an unpleasant prospect and not terribly comforting at all. I just let myself feel bad, planting myself on the couch and watching episodes of the History Channel series, UFO Files.

This is the first time I can ever remember consciously rejecting food as a self-medication strategy. It's the first time I can remember thinking that food would actually make me feel worse. That's a remarkable thing for me and I feel like I need to mark it as a milestone, because it's a major turning point in my changing attitudes about food and in my behavior.

Now, in the past I have turned to exercise instead of food for comfort. It's always been a conscious effort, and not always one I did willingly or with enthusiasm. This event feels different because it was almost instinctive. It was, "Bleh, food will make me feel worse," not "It's not good for me to eat because it's a bad reaction--but I want to eat--but I won't." I have turned to sleep instead of eating, but in some ways that's just as bad, because it turns off my head and I don't deal with whatever it is that's upsetting me, at least not consciously.

So I guess where I'm going with all of this is that yesterday I chose to just feel what I was feeling. I didn't numb myself with overeating, and though I thought about comfort eating, I was actively repelled by the thought. That's really something.

. . . but probably won't:

Restaurant Bathrooms: Why are restaurant bathrooms invariably cold? It's the one place in a restaurant where you will remove clothing to function. It's like you're being penalized for being human. And then the water from the faucet for handwashing is also, invariably, cold. Why? In the dead of winter, WHY?

Living with a Young Cat: I spent so many years living with geriatric cats that I forgot what it's like to live with a kitty who wants to play and interact. I love being with Sophie, and I love playing with her. She is athletic, imaginative, and inventive. At the same time, every now and then I just want to sit and read or sit and work. As much as we'd all prefer it, not every minute can be playtime. There's nothing so plaintive (or occasionally so grating) as a cat who keeps asking why, why, why aren't we playing now, now, now? And yet she is hard to resist.

I had a Tough Food Week: A week ago today, my goal was to have a good food week--and I did, but not in the way I meant. I ate out a lot--some wonderful meals--had a meringue cookie binge, and didn't track my food well. Consequently, I chose not to weigh in at Weight Watchers last night. I start this week with the same goal as last week: eat on program, track my food, and be active. Next Tuesday, I weigh in, come hell or high water, and hope for the best.

1) Spent most of yesterday working on a skills test for a job. I understand the purpose behind tests like this and worked hard at it to do well, but I couldn't shake the feeling that I was having to take the SATs all over again. At my age, well, one hopes to be done with that sort of thing.

2) I have had a difficult week with food. I think it's probably the weather and the season that's making me want to eat more than I ought to. Also, I've eaten out a lot this week, which always makes managing food a little more challenging. I've been working out with a new exercise DVD I purchased to help offset the eating, especially given that it's been so cold that I haven't wanted to run. Still, I feel like there's just been a little too much eating this week, and I'm trying to decide whether or not to weigh in tonight.

3) This morning I found myself having to deal with some last bits of accident administration that should result in a compensatory payment of some kind. We'll see what happens there.

4) Have I mentioned that my left knee has been giving me some trouble? It's running-related and makes me unhappy. I need to go to the doctor and get it looked at but, well, what with unemployment and all, I'm not really feeling the love for doctor-going. ::grumble::

5) Snow is coming. Last night, broadcast news was full of dire reports of the snowmaggedon yet to come. The local papers are full of predictions of the end of the world as well. They made me so paranoid that last night, past 11 PM, I inventoried the house, then ran out to pick up some supplies in case of being snowed in for a couple of days. My biggest concern, frankly, is that I have an interview this week on the day that the heaviest snow is predicted to fall. I find myself wondering when I became such a PNWer that snow would scare me. I suspect it was when I tried to drive on snow-covered hills at 30-degree angles. That could do it. Yes.

Went to my Weight Watchers meeting tonight, weighed in, and found that I was down 1.6 pounds for a total of 50.6. My year-end goal was to be down 50 pounds before I left for New York--DONE! This gets me halfway to my total weight loss goal. If it takes me another year to get there, so be it. I'm pleased and proud that I've come this far so successfully.

At our meetings, whenever a member passes milestone of any kind--five pounds, ten, and so on--our leader will ask her, "What's working for you?" So I thought that at 50 pounds down, I'd write a little bit about that.

The first thing that's working for me understanding what I'm putting in my mouth, and how much and when. I do that by tracking my food, and I've been religious about it this fall. Tracking helps me to stay aware, and staying aware helps me make better choices. One really big thing it did was help me kickstart my loss after my summer plateau. I reviewed my food tracker and realized that I wasn't eating enough of what are referred to as Power Foods--whole foods that are high fiber, low fat, with balanced protein and carbs (balanced in some propriety WW way that I'm still learning about). As soon as I started eating more Power Foods (more fruits and vegetables, more lean meats) I began to lose again.

The second thing that's working for me is leaning on my support system. Every week when I get back from my meeting, I post my progress to Facebook, regardless of whether I'm up or down. It's wonderful to have such a supportive community. It's meant so much to have support regardless of my status. And over the last year, I've gotten to know some of the women in my meeting--not well, but enough to form a bond, and their support has meant a lot, too. We've run 5Ks together, and talked pretty frankly at our meetings. Another woman in the group who started the same week I did also made 50 pounds tonight, and I was delighted we could celebrate together. I know that not every meeting in the country is like this one; I feel very fortunate to be with such a good group.

The third thing has been setting small goals, deciding what I'm going to work on each week and focusing on that. These last couple of weeks, I've been focused on losing the last 2.5 pounds to achieve my milestone before I leave for New York. My goal for the two weeks I'll be in New York is to maintain--not to gain or lose, but just keep the success I've achieved. And after New Year, I'll be working on the next five pounds--and also, getting ready for that next 5K.

So that's what's working right now. And there have been small victories along the way: discovering that I've weirdly lost at least half a shoe size; discovering that a choker I made is actually no longer a choker; and fitting into clothes I thought I'd never wear again. My cholesterol is perfect. My blood pressure--always good--has improved even from its goodness. And I have a kind of stamina I haven't had in a very long time. This I could live with. :-)

In the Silverstein scale of weight loss, I have lost five cats. Five more to go!