Why is self care so hard?

[scarlettina]

Yesterday was a tough day for me. I went to Weight Watchers and found myself up 2.4 pounds in the wake of a 2 pound loss last week. I came home to a short story rejection. I wanted to eat myself into oblivion and just be unhappy. And I did that for about an hour.

And then I just got angry. This business of hovering in the same 5 pound weight range for months is just making me crazy. So I packed up a workout bag and headed into Fremont to check out the gym there. I've got a free week's trial membership and I'm going to use it. Then comes the tough part: buying a membership (assuming I like the place after trial). And this is what always slows me down.

It took three months before I was willing to be a subscriber to Weight Watchers. Before that, I paid week by week, even though it cost more, because I wasn't sure I wanted to commit to the program. I didn't think I'd stick with it long enough; I didn't want to spend the money.

After I came home from the gym last night, I got on the phone with varina8, a veteran gym rat, and asked her to convince me to join the gym. She made a strong argument:
1. A gym membership is an investment in yourself and in your health.
2. Exercise increases bone density, important in women of a certain age like myself.
3. Exercise will help kick-start the regular weight loss again.

davidlevine, another gym rat of my acquaintance, was also smart and practical about a membership. Among the benefits he counted:
1. Professional equipment helps ensure the right kind of motion for healthy exercise.
2. A commitment to a gym makes it more likely that one will exercise more regularly.
3. A commitment to a professional trainer will keep one accountable to someone else, which equals being accountable to oneself.
4. Exercise will help kick-start the regular weight loss again.

These are all smart, practical reasons to commit to a gym membership. I spend more per month on internet service than I would on a gym membership; why is one worthy of the expense and not the other? Why am I being so tight-fisted with myself?

It's part of a larger question, I think: Why do I find self-care so hard? I have worked really hard the last couple of months on dental care because I've neglected it over the years. I have not been good about taking care of my damaged knee, even though I went to a physical therapist specifically to get it attended to. This sort of thing has always been challenging for me. It's always too much work, or not as important as They say it is, or not as important as whatever else I may have to pay attention to. It makes me wonder why. It makes me wonder if I'm alone in this.

And here's the thing: when I work out, I feel like a bad-ass. (In fact, one of the trainers last night, when she saw me in my head-to-foot black workout gear, said that I looked bad-ass.) Who doesn't want to feel that way: powerful, in control, smart, and sexy? Why is it so easy to forget that feeling? (Perhaps the trouble isn't remembering it so much as believing in the feeling about oneself.) And why is it so easy to pooh-pooh taking care of myself? Doing Weight Watchers has been a big deal for me in terms of self care. I've succeeded in very specific, measurable ways. Now I have to work on the rest of this stuff.

So what's your experience been as regards self care? Thoughts?

Comments

[ironymaiden]

when you get an answer to this one, let me know. my commitment to exercise is incredibly fragile. it doesn't matter how much i like what i'm doing or the results, i seem to be incapable of forming an unbreakable habit. (um, yay for keeping me from overindulging in smoking/drugs/alcohol?) i am lucky that the dog needs to walk whether i feel like it or not.

i benefit the most from a firm schedule and someone else expecting me. so i suggest ponying up for regular sessions with a trainer.

[prettyshrub.livejournal.com]

I also suck at the self-care stuff. I plan to do something just for me, and someone calls and says 'hey, do you want to do this?' and I invariably go. Yes, friendship and fun is important, but so is time to get my house in order, or writing, or just chilling out by myself.

I struggle with exercise partly because I find it boring. I'm working on ways around that, but it is a struggle. I never feel any special high or other positive feedback after exercising, so that's no help. For now it is just something I must do to protect my health.

In any case, I've discovered my cardio is down in the toilet. Whatever my muscles can do, my heart and lungs won't support it. I decided (yesterday) that my new focus is just to work on that and keep up with my knee care.

I find I won't go to my swim class unless my friends go, so you might keep that in mind with your own goals.

*HUGS*

[aprivatefox.livejournal.com]

I've been going through major stress with work lately, and some days the fact that I'm paying how much?! for my gym membership is the only thing that gets me to go in. But every time I go in, it helps; you nailed the bit about feeling badass. For me, every time I do my workout, it's spitting in the face of all those people who told me to hate my body when I was growing up. My weight has been level (and higher than I want) for a long time. But every time I prove that I can still put myself through a workout, that my body is still awesome enough to do that, it makes a lot of the other stress easier to manage.

I wonder, too, if what you're saying about the specific, measurable stuff from Weight Watchers might be applicable to some of the exercise stuff. For me, I set hard goals that I can just achieve - and then, when they stop being hard, I turn them up just a little. Failing wrecks my motivation, so I don't set unobtainable goals like "get to the gym every day", but I make sure I have goals that are tough-but-fair for me. It seems like we have similar motivation-patterns, so maybe that'd help you too.

I do hope it goes well for you. It's good to be badass. =)

[sinthrex.livejournal.com]

" But every time I prove that I can still put myself through a workout, that my body is still awesome enough to do that, it makes a lot of the other stress easier to manage.

I wonder, too, if what you're saying about the specific, measurable stuff from Weight Watchers might be applicable to some of the exercise stuff. For me, I set hard goals that I can just achieve - and then, when they stop being hard, I turn them up just a little."

This.

[singingnettle.livejournal.com]

I don't do well at working out, but it works for me to do active things I love, like dancing, drumming, and yoga, and doing the group classes at the Y that serve exercise in that form.

[joycemocha.livejournal.com]

What everyone else said.

What I m finding is that it takes systematic, regular restructuring of my life to make self-care routines important. It took getting to the point where I hurt if I don't work out to keep it a regular habit; additionally, acquiring a level of fitness that is sustainable or easily reattainable when the inevitable sickness or injury strikes takes time.

It also helps to get into a pleasurable activity which requires additional conditioning to succeed at it...for example, horseback riding and skiing both go much better if I maintain a regular pattern of conditioning training.

[aberwyn.livejournal.com]

Doing self-care means admitting we need it. Admitting we need it means we are mortal and will one day die.

[scarlettina.livejournal.com]

That's pretty straight-forward, isn't it? I can hear Olympia Dukakis in Moonstruck: "Cosmo, I just want you to know no matter what you do, you're gonna die, just like everybody else." :-) And yet, true.

[irrationalrobot.livejournal.com]

I stand in awe of your clarity on this. :)

[peartreealley.livejournal.com]

I'm pretty terrible at self-care, but things that have had the most success for me, is to identify each thing and decide whether I would do better full-bore or small, incremental steps. Exercise I seem to do better with small steps, whereas diet changes I do best with full charge ahead and don't look back.

As for things that involve having to go somewhere or interact with other people (like the doctor)... yeah, never happens :/

[snarke.livejournal.com]

Let me answer your question with a question: have you ever tried to explain to an aspiring writer why they should not try to edit their own work? Taking care of yourself is, in a very real sense, editing your life.

Oh, sure, I know that I *ought* to get my bike out of the garage to go down to the hardware store. But there's stuff in the way, and it's kinda cold out, and it'll be hard to come back with a bag swinging, and I don't know where my backpack is, and it'll take longer, and . . . and I know that I can sell myself this excuse because every last bit of evidence is right in front of me. If I promise myself I'll do something, and then don't, I can forgive myself for breaking my word, and I will know that I really have forgiven myself, so nobody else will ever know.

Some people are very good at self-motivation. As for me, one mildly disappointed look from a friend has ten times the mass of a hundred post-it notes on my monitor, with two exclamation points each.

[jaylake.livejournal.com]

I am also very bad at self-care and discipline. Hence my weight and food issues, for example. I have convinced myself to be very good about exercise my convincing myself exercise is part of my writing routine.

[scarlettina.livejournal.com]

You are a clever fellow. :-) I'm beginning to think that I need to create a daily checklist for basic things: get up, use the bathroom, floss, brush teeth, have breakfast, shower, etc.

[twilight2000.livejournal.com]

Like everyone else here, it's an issue for me too. I suspect in part it's being "a woman of a certain age" - that is, born in the 50's/60's - because we were taught (by the culture if not our parents) to take of others.

Remembering to (or taking time to) take care of ourselves is hard with that kind of early programming.

I'm still working on it too ;>

[torreybird.livejournal.com]

I'm bad at self-care, but I'm better at process and routine.

I've been East-coasting for the past 3 weeks, and have been hit hard with how inadequate my processes and routines are wrt exercise, attention to diet, and core strength.

Something's got to change. For me, if the change involves going to a gym, then the going to the gym has to be scheduled, routine, and not interrupting anything else. Also, if I'm going to a gym alone, it's super unlikely that I'll keep going.

The real downfall, though, is how I put conditions on it, such as:
- "if it's just once a week, it's not enough, so it's not worthwhile."
- "if it's worth that much money, I should be able to do it myself."

>:-| There has to be a solution, and I'm certain to be blocking the solution by misconceptions/resistances I already hold. Dammit.

Without reading the other comments first

[irrationalrobot.livejournal.com]

On why self-care is so hard...

I'd venture that caring for someone else almost always feels like the right thing to do- and caring for yourself can sometimes feel like being selfish.

I'm having to do a brain-overriding-heart operation right now to get myself out of the house for a couple of hours (there's context here, for anyone that isn't caught up (http://irrationalrobot.livejournal.com/489196.html)) because I know that all interested parties in my household will benefit from me getting fresh air and exercise, and I'm also having to remind myself that *my* interests matter as well.

That contrasts self-care with other-care.

In regards to self-care vs "other stuff," (which might be relevant for your knee), most of us carry an unrealistic expectation that our normal state should be all-on-the-up-and-up, 100% good, and that other states (hunger, weakness, grief, boredom) are unusual.

At Drew's second kung-fu test (which he passed by taking it and trying his hardest, see also "Maccabee Martial Arts (http://kosherkungfu.com/) is awesome") the teacher giving the examination (http://kosherkungfu.com/meet-the-staff/grand-master-jacob-lunon/) had a really insightful observation: "Are some of you in pain? Does [this stance] hurt? Well I've got a surprise for you. Everyone in this room is feeling pain somewhere, right now. Pain is a normal part of life." The was a little more macho at the end of that speech, but that stuck with me.

Perhaps when we come to accept that most of the time, we aren't 100%, we become more forgiving of setting aside time for our regular body and soul maintenance. In that spirit, I'm off to the Y for some weights and maybe some cardio. :)