Why is self care so hard?

[scarlettina]

Yesterday was a tough day for me. I went to Weight Watchers and found myself up 2.4 pounds in the wake of a 2 pound loss last week. I came home to a short story rejection. I wanted to eat myself into oblivion and just be unhappy. And I did that for about an hour.

And then I just got angry. This business of hovering in the same 5 pound weight range for months is just making me crazy. So I packed up a workout bag and headed into Fremont to check out the gym there. I've got a free week's trial membership and I'm going to use it. Then comes the tough part: buying a membership (assuming I like the place after trial). And this is what always slows me down.

It took three months before I was willing to be a subscriber to Weight Watchers. Before that, I paid week by week, even though it cost more, because I wasn't sure I wanted to commit to the program. I didn't think I'd stick with it long enough; I didn't want to spend the money.

After I came home from the gym last night, I got on the phone with varina8, a veteran gym rat, and asked her to convince me to join the gym. She made a strong argument:
1. A gym membership is an investment in yourself and in your health.
2. Exercise increases bone density, important in women of a certain age like myself.
3. Exercise will help kick-start the regular weight loss again.

davidlevine, another gym rat of my acquaintance, was also smart and practical about a membership. Among the benefits he counted:
1. Professional equipment helps ensure the right kind of motion for healthy exercise.
2. A commitment to a gym makes it more likely that one will exercise more regularly.
3. A commitment to a professional trainer will keep one accountable to someone else, which equals being accountable to oneself.
4. Exercise will help kick-start the regular weight loss again.

These are all smart, practical reasons to commit to a gym membership. I spend more per month on internet service than I would on a gym membership; why is one worthy of the expense and not the other? Why am I being so tight-fisted with myself?

It's part of a larger question, I think: Why do I find self-care so hard? I have worked really hard the last couple of months on dental care because I've neglected it over the years. I have not been good about taking care of my damaged knee, even though I went to a physical therapist specifically to get it attended to. This sort of thing has always been challenging for me. It's always too much work, or not as important as They say it is, or not as important as whatever else I may have to pay attention to. It makes me wonder why. It makes me wonder if I'm alone in this.

And here's the thing: when I work out, I feel like a bad-ass. (In fact, one of the trainers last night, when she saw me in my head-to-foot black workout gear, said that I looked bad-ass.) Who doesn't want to feel that way: powerful, in control, smart, and sexy? Why is it so easy to forget that feeling? (Perhaps the trouble isn't remembering it so much as believing in the feeling about oneself.) And why is it so easy to pooh-pooh taking care of myself? Doing Weight Watchers has been a big deal for me in terms of self care. I've succeeded in very specific, measurable ways. Now I have to work on the rest of this stuff.

So what's your experience been as regards self care? Thoughts?

Comments

[aprivatefox.livejournal.com]

I've been going through major stress with work lately, and some days the fact that I'm paying how much?! for my gym membership is the only thing that gets me to go in. But every time I go in, it helps; you nailed the bit about feeling badass. For me, every time I do my workout, it's spitting in the face of all those people who told me to hate my body when I was growing up. My weight has been level (and higher than I want) for a long time. But every time I prove that I can still put myself through a workout, that my body is still awesome enough to do that, it makes a lot of the other stress easier to manage.

I wonder, too, if what you're saying about the specific, measurable stuff from Weight Watchers might be applicable to some of the exercise stuff. For me, I set hard goals that I can just achieve - and then, when they stop being hard, I turn them up just a little. Failing wrecks my motivation, so I don't set unobtainable goals like "get to the gym every day", but I make sure I have goals that are tough-but-fair for me. It seems like we have similar motivation-patterns, so maybe that'd help you too.

I do hope it goes well for you. It's good to be badass. =)

[sinthrex.livejournal.com]

" But every time I prove that I can still put myself through a workout, that my body is still awesome enough to do that, it makes a lot of the other stress easier to manage.

I wonder, too, if what you're saying about the specific, measurable stuff from Weight Watchers might be applicable to some of the exercise stuff. For me, I set hard goals that I can just achieve - and then, when they stop being hard, I turn them up just a little."

This.