A health thing

[scarlettina]

I'll start by saying I'm fine, I'm OK.

But I want to write about this because not talking about it has brought its own kind of stress and I need to write it out.

I've been smelling cigarette smoke. Every four or five breaths, when I breathe through my nose--and sometimes through my mouth--I smell cigarette smoke. Sometimes it's just a whiff; sometimes it's so strong it's like the air is thick with it. I smell it in my non-smoking apartment, in my climate controlled and smoke-free office, in the grocery store, as I walked around Green Lake, everywhere. I saw my primary care doctor about it a week ago Wednesday and she didn't really have much in the way of answers. She referred me to a neurologist. That was a little unsettling. I saw the neurologist on Friday and he did all the tests you might expect in an office visit; nothing unusual. He went down a whole list of illnesses that it might be and ticked them off one by one as things I definitely don't have. That left two possibilities, he said: the smell is somehow connected to my allergies or to a brain tumor. And no, he wasn't kidding.

So this morning, I had an MRI and some blood tests. You can imagine: today was stressful, to say the least. After the MRI, I went to work and then tonight I went to do art at Wayward. I came home to an email message from my doctor via the Polyclinic's secure portal. My MRI was clear, although they did discover that I have a sinus infection. Apparently it's pretty bad. The neurologist said that he doubted the olfactory phenomenon was connected to it but anything is possible, so he's referred me to an ENT to get looked at and we go from here.

I decided, as soon as the neurologist told me about the two extreme possibilities, that I was going to mention this whole thing to as few people as possible because I didn't want my whole circle worrying about me if it turned out to be nothing--and so it has. But, as you can imagine, since Monday the scenarios playing out in my head have been, well, unpleasant. I've thought about the friends who have died of brain tumors. I've thought about how I'd start seriously divesting myself of stuff, since I didn't want to saddle my brother with cleaning out my condo. I thought about possibly not saying anything to anyone about it until I had no choice in the matter. About making plans immediately to see as much of the world as I could before it became impossible for me to travel. Yeah, I took that whole unpleasant tour of consequence and mortality.

So now I know I'm not going to die any time real soon, at least not of this--and thank goodness. But in the meanwhile I still have this peculiar symptom to deal with. As noted above, I'll see an ENT and we'll see what happens next.

I want to spend the whole weekend sleeping. I want to drink lots of water, cuddle with my cats and not take care of anyone but myself the next few days. I want to work on my cretaive projects. I want to love my friends and family. I just want to be.

Comments

[sandarity]

Love and hugs, sweet.

[garyomaha]

Oh, dear. I kinda sorta know what you're going through on two levels: the more significant being my own health issues which are "there" but not "life threatening", and that we live in an older home which once had heavy smokers, and though we've done a lot, every so often a whiff of old cigarette smell ekes out. (Yeah, it's different because we know where it's coming from.)

Hugs. Perhaps they'll give a name to what you're experiencing.

[ironymaiden]

I love you, and I understand and respect your process with this. *hugs*

Sinus infections are no joke. I hope you get in to the ENT quickly.

[herself_nyc]

Oh, friend. You keep getting handed such heaps of anxieties. I’m GLAD it’s only nothing. What an ordeal. Reminder for all is to LIVE LIFE.

[varina8]

My sympathies on the sinus infection. They are misery but I am so,so glad everything else was clear. I love you and we are overdue for dinner or a walk when you come back up for air.

[nwhepcat]

I'm so glad it's not THAT. That's a lot of thinking ahead to be doing under stressful circumstances.

Hoo boy, I need to get back in the DW habit.

[ivy]

I'm glad it was less bad than it might have been, and hope for everything to sort itself out. Good job on addressing the situation!