On where I'm at

[scarlettina]

I just came back from having lunch with my friend DVS. She and her family moved to the D.C. area about 8 months ago in what was really a whirlwind move. She'd gone there to visit friends, loved it, came home, told her husband she wanted them to move and--voila! House sold, move done! She and her daughter came back to visit and I was one of the few people on her to-be-seen list, about which I was really quite delighted.

We had--as I often do with DVS--a very frank conversation. We talked about where I'm at right now, how work is uninspiring, how challenging certain situations in my life have become, how I just don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing. We also talked about the likelihood of my finding the things that I want here in Seattle. Conclusion: the odds aren't even as good as they were when I first moved here. At least, when I first moved here, there was the potential of the new and unknown. Now, well, I've been here more than 20 years and I have a pretty good idea of what the region has to offer. It's beautiful and I have the love of invaluable friends. But I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of a Sargasso Sea, going round and round but not getting anywhere.

For years, whenever someone asked me if I ever thought about moving back east, I'd say, "Every day" with no real consideration. It was always a vague idea. Today I find myself wanting to sit down and figure out what that might actually look like, what it would involve, where I might want to be, what it would mean. I don't know that moving somewhere else would answer all the questions I have or help me narrow down what it is I want to do with the rest of my life. But it's something to seriously consider in a way I haven't before.

Is this my depression talking? Well, maybe some of it is. But the fact that I know that it's not all that's happening says a great deal.

No decision is being made here. An option is being considered. That's all.

Comments

[girasole.livejournal.com]

Think about it hard. Frankly, from my very limited and faraway perspective, you belong here. In the New York area.
Sending you strong karma and fierce thoughts.

[peartreealley.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I want to say something wise and erudite, but I'm so far behind you on this experience (as I'm just on the cusp of leaving "home" for the first time), that I don't feel like I am qualified to.

Think about it. Consider your options, make decisions when/if there are decisions to be made. Know that you are cared about and supported, whatever that decision is.

[garyomaha.livejournal.com]

I'm not going to be much help on the moving front -- I've talked about moving "away" for much of my life, and here I am, still in Nebraska. As Jay often said, why someone would choose to live with this weather was beyond him.

I am still here largely because M's job is here, and that's our main source of income, and we're not sure if we can currently get back what we paid for and put into our home -- both financial reasons.

(Sorry, my response to your blog entry seems to be morphing into what should be my own blog entry.)

You currently live in an area we've visited often, we nearly moved to, and we talk about moving to all the time. So, see, your home is a goal for some. But if it's not right for you, that's worth considering.

[ironymaiden]

You think about going to NYC when you feel down. I feel like you need to unpack what that means.

[herself_nyc]

It's absolutely right for you to consider this seriously. Just because you're depressed of course doesn't mean you should ignore your impulses and instincts. I know you've long longed to come back east, and you've been there long enough that you have nothing to prove to yourself or anybody else about 'sticking it out'.

I bet you could find some job offer that would move you back, too.

Would it be to NY, or are you thinking of somewhere more southern?

[varina8.livejournal.com]

I've been thinking about this since our conversation last night. Sometimes the geographic cure works, sometimes nothing changes.

In the last 10 years, I've been back east more than I had been in the previous 20 and I've realized there are things and people that I miss. I've even considered making a move elsewhere once or twice. But I've come to realize this urge, for me, has less to do with the places themselves and more to do with various intangibles attached to them (roads not taken, memories, etc).

Your situation is different. Remember you're part of the family wherever you are.