scarlettina | California Visit, Part 1

Arrived in the Los Angeles area yesterday to visit my cousin Paul and his wife Susan. Paul's got pancreatic cancer, and I wanted to see him before he was completely incapacitated. Our first evening together was good. They picked me up at the airport, we went out for dinner, then came back to the house and watched the Jeopardy Tournament of Champions. And then, at 7:30 PM, they announced they were going to bed. Paul was more tired than they expected. I stayed up, had a phone call with

varina8, watched some tube, and then went to bed.

Today, we were supposed to go see a production of "42nd Street," but Paul was so weak, so tired, and feeling so bad that Susan donated the tickets. I walked the dog, she cared for Paul, and then she and I went to the movies ("Carol" starring Cate Blanchett--terrific). When we got home, Paul was feeling better. Dinner was pizza and salad, and then they retired.

So here I sit, alone in the living room, watching TV, journaling and completely unsure what's going to happen tomorrow. I've been in touch with a local friend whom I may see if things don't work out here. Susan's predictably in pieces, angry that they've had so little time together (they got married a year ago August) and scared for the future. Paul is managing things gracefully but he's clearly ill and trying to prepare himself, reflecting on his life and accomplishments, his family and his general good fortune.

Susan said they talked about telling me to cancel the trip, but he wanted me to come. She said that last week he was feeling much better than he is now, and it would have been a completely different visit. She also said it was likely that this was probably the last time I'd see him. I'm having a hard time thinking that way. After years of not being in touch, we're finally back in touch. Now that I've got him again, I don't want to lose him either. The truth is, she's probably right. The way he looks, he reminds me of how his father--my beloved Uncle Larry--looked when he was dying of cancer (in his case, prostate cancer). If anything good is coming out this trip at all, it's that I am getting to see him and that Susan and I are bonding and getting to know each other better.

At this point, I'm at something of a loss. We looked at each other over dinner tonight, me and Paul, and I could see there wasn't much to say. So . . . I'm just being here. I don't know what else to do.