Jay Lake Memorial . . . Thing

[scarlettina]

So . . . we all gathered at the Six Arms today, ostensibly in honor of Jay. A lot of folks were there. I knew all of them. We greeted each other, hugged. We ordered food. We talked a little about Jay. We talked about a lot of other things. And then ebourne and I left. We went and had ice cream. And . . . that was it.

I have been dreading today. The closer we got to it, the less I wanted to go. E and I went together to stave off that reluctance, and I think it was the right thing to do for both of us. In the end, though, it was all rather anti-climactic and, for someone like me who values ritual, it ultimately left me feeling at loose ends. I still don't know what it is I am to do with . . . whatever it is I'm feeling. It's not like I'm a stranger to death or mourning; I don't need to be told what to do or how to handle this. It's just . . . everything is weird and reversed and I'm kind of frustrated and angry with it, and today only exacerbated that feeling.

When it was decided that there would be a JayWake--that pre-mortem party thrown so that Jay himself could attend his own wake, as I noted at the time, my inner response was, "My mourning is my own business. Get out of my process." I attended--I wrote about my feelings in that link; you can go read it if you like. I thought I was OK with it all. Tonight, I wonder if I wasn't dancing around things a bit.

Wakes, funerals, memorials, life celebrations, generally are for those left behind. But ultimately, JayWake was all about Jay, not those in attendance--which, I understand now, did in fact f*ck with the social construct and purpose of a wake. It was more of a roast than a wake, one more JayCelebration for Jay rather than rite of passage and healing for those to be left behind--great for Jay, not so great for the rest of us.

With a private memorial that so few were invited to attend, a lot of us were just sort of cast off to deal with stuff on our own. Today's gathering was thrown together quickly, with no formal structure of any kind--which I'm told is what a lot of people wanted, no structure, just an amorphous gathering. Well, it didn't do much for me. As I said at the beginning here, I'm left frustrated and angry. I feel like our mourning process--well, I shouldn't speak for anyone else--I feel like my mourning process has been circumvented, devalued, as if my need for ritual had to be subsumed in what Jay would have wanted: nothing formal, no, no, can't be a downer, let's all party!

Except, God dammit, Jay isn't here and I'm f*cking tired of doing it the way he would have wanted. He is gone. I am here. We are here. In doing nothing formal, we're not talking about the thing we all need to talk about most. We are being very American, oh so 21st century, very atheist, and very Seattle: passive aggressively pretending that nothing was wrong because it's too hard to cry together, to mourn together, to publicly, explicitly acknowledge in each other's company that we hurt so that we can hurt--together--and start to heal.

I am not done with this. I want to find a way to ritualize a farewell. If anyone wants to have a more formal farewell than we've had, well, we should talk about it. The hell with what Jay would have wanted. He's gone. We're here. How we feel counts. And today? Today felt like one more exercise in creative denial.

Comments

[lagilman]

Have you thought about sitting shiva? I realize it's not quite the same without the actual family, but... you _were_ part of his family, and a quiet day of processing might allow you (and some others) more solace than a Jay-ish celebration....

[scarlettina.livejournal.com]

Yes, that thought has occurred to me. I don't know if that would be precisely what I'm looking for. It's true that I've been going-going-going since he died with no time for quiet reflection, but I think there's more going on here. All the online hagiography ( as one friend puts it--and not incorrectly) still skirts around the human need for putting a cap on a life. Jay's family got it, and a couple of select friends, but not the rest of us. I've heard mumblings about something to be held at Orycon, but that's f'ing months away, and I don't intend to sit on my feelings until it's convenient or comfy for everyone else. I need to figure something out.

[joycemocha.livejournal.com]

I think there's more of us drifting around trying to process this than many people think. Oddly, when I looked up at my Kalimpura poster yesterday around the time of the Seattle wake, for the first time I could clearly see Jay's signature on the poster (it was done with a fading red Sharpie and I hadn't noticed it before). I suspect it was a feature of the light and all, but still....

TL:DR; I agree with you about wanting a formal farewell.

[davidlevine]

I wonder if something could be done at the Locus Awards. We already have the Hawaiian shirts, after all.

At the annual gay square dance convention, which like the whole gay community has suffered more than its share of death over the years (though, fortunately, not so much lately), we have two traditions: a Memorial Tip during one of the "everyone dances together" sessions, in which we dance to honor the memories of all those we've lost (sometimes a sad song, sometimes a joyful one), and a time for each club to pin the badges of those members who've passed on in the last year to the memorial quilt which hangs in a quiet place at every convention. These are a couple of ways in which a memorial event can be added to an existing gathering, and neither takes more than 15 minutes.

There isn't a lot of time to devise an appropriate memorial event or to get the word out. Maybe we could ask for an announcement at the awards ceremony (is that when everyone wears their Hawaiian shirts?) for a be-shirted gathering of all Jay's friends at the end of the ceremony to take a group photo in his honor. (It's the Locus Awards, there will be many good photographers present.) Perhaps we could all raise a glass to him as well, if that's an option at the venue. Of course, there would be sitting and talking about Jay afterwards, but the ceremonial gathering and acknowledgement of Jay's passing is the point. Would that be enough of a formal acknowledgement, do you think? Or is it too much like the informal JayThing this weekend?

[herself_nyc]

::you::

[calendula-witch.livejournal.com]

We, too, were a little surprised and disappointed that there was no more "public" service (indeed, no announcement of anything at all, which felt...weird...)--I mean, of course, those he was closest to at the end were absolutely right to do what felt right for them. But...yeah, the rest of us? Mark and I, at least, would like the chance to attend an actual memorial of some kind.

[prettyshrub.livejournal.com]

*HUGS*

I hope you find what is right for you.

[shelly-rae.livejournal.com]

I think you could organize and hold the sort of memorial you're needing. I'm sure many people would attend and help. Either here or in Portland.
Anon