Scarlett Letters

We are 30 days away from Halloween. There are projects I promised I would do this month. I must get on them all.

I have fresh corn and I haven't eaten it yet. What is wrong with me?

I have conquered the first of the two major work deadlines for this year. It was, in many respects, much easier this year than it has been in the past, even with new challenges to address. The next one is in a month. May it also be easy to conquer.

I have wanted to be crafty creative for several days now, but was feeling so lousy that I couldn't muster the energy. Last night I did some coloring. I would like to finish the piece I started within the next couple of days. I enjoyed the work.

No great insights here, just . . . wanting to note that I'm still here.

1) The busiest, most stressful week of my business year has just concluded. You see, for my day job, I work as a content producer in health insurance and open enrollment has just begun. All eyes at the company, right up to the director and VP level, are on my work. I have been exhausted with the stress and minutia. My manager and her manager both insisted I take today off so that's what I'm doing.

2) The house reorganization/redecoration continues. Today the futon, its frame and mattress pad are all leaving the household to help out someone escaping from an abusive-boyfriend situation. I feel good that this is its fate, rather than going to some college kid who will ditch it at the end of the semester. Feels weird to let it go; it was one of the first purchases I made when I moved to Seattle, and I made it in the company of someone I adored, but it doesn't get used much at all as a thing to sit upon, and I so rarely have house guests that its presence just isn't really justified. I could use that space in a more productive way. And so out it goes.

3) I've been dreaming very vividly lately and the dreams have been specific and pointed. It's clear my subconscious is working overtime to process certain issues. They're hard issues and yet the dreams feel okay, like I've reached a point where I'm strong enough to deal with the issues in question. That isn't a bad thing by any means. I'm just surprised by it.

4) I have contributed to this year's Cats of Microsoft calendar, which is an option for me as a Microsoft alum. I loved contributing to the 2013 calendar, and Sophie ended up as Miss February that year. I have high hopes for my contribution this year, pinned on one of my favorite photographs of Zeke; we shall see.

5) Apparently it snowed in Seattle this morning, everywhere but in Queen Anne. I cannot feel bad about this. It is, however, stupid-cold here. I will light a fire in the fireplace, have a nice, hot breakfast and enjoy my day off which, I suspect, will consist mostly of napping and reading.

It's like clockwork around here: Labor Day comes and Mother Nature flicks a switch. Though Seattle summers are usually mild, this year, we're going from scorching hot days to cooler temps and now the rains have come. They started yesterday and continue today; I think we've seen the last of the sun for a while.

I'm not quite ready for autumn. I haven't changed over my wardrobe; I suppose that happens this week and weekend. Last night I changed my blanket from summer- to winter-weight. I don't have quite the right shoes for this weather; the boots that I've worn for three years now have got holes in them--perhaps not the quality I thought they were when I bought them.

And Rosh Hashannah is bearing down upon us with me, once again, not having tickets for services anywhere because I don't belong to a synagogue and because it's the busiest time of year for me at work. (Most synagogues don't know what to do with me anyway; they're set up for families, not for independent Women of a Certain Age.) I failed to get tickets for services at UW's Hillel, which I've done before. I live within walking distance of the local Chabad House (the only congregation in town that doesn't require a donation for High Holiday tickets), but I wasn't brought up Orthodox. And though their outreach is friendly and welcoming, I'm a little intimidated by the prospect of what will surely be a less-than-egalitarian approach to services. I'm not the sitting-in-the-back-row type. And so I'm once again a little bereft at this time of year.

And, as mentioned above, it's the busiest time of year at work, which means I've got tons of work to do, oftentimes overseen by a million managers, all of whom want to have check-in meetings to ensure the work is getting done. Which means talking to my actual manager about the irony of negotiating the work needing to be done versus attending meetings to report on said work. I can meet or I can execute; I can't do both effectively simultaneously. This year, it seems like it's worse than it's ever been. I keep putting off or declining meetings, and the managers who run said meetings want just five minutes, which often ends up turning into an hour anyway. And then I have to explain myself and my work to everyone. Especially irritating are the compliance managers, who insist that they don't have to be familiar with our website (on which I work) but then insist that I give them a tour to ensure I'm doing the work. It's maddening.

So, yeah. The turn of the calendar comes and the darker, cooler, wetter days, the busier days, come along with it. I miss living somewhere with a more gradual segue into autumn and winter. But every now and then we get a glimpse of the beauty that autumn can offer and I'm pleased.

Baby, it's cold outside It's finally feeling like winter. Am I celebrating? No. It's just . . . well, it's December and it's finally cold. Reality is catching up with the conceptual template of our calendar. I may not have enough warm clothes of the proper size to wear this season. I really do need to clean up the bedroom, shop in my closet and see what's what.

Only crazy people travel at Christmas time In a nod to my emotional needs, I've gotten plane tickets to visit the family for Christmas and Chanukah despite my dislike for traveling at this time of year (with all the amateurs) and despite the fact that I shouldn't be spending such money when I'm still paying off August's medical adventure. Given that my brother and sister-in-law have made the typical Long Island marriage (he's Jewish, she's Italian), we'll be celebrating both Chanukah and Christmas, and we'll be doing much of it with her big Italian family. It should be fun, and I'm really looking forward to seeing everyone.

If you don't fit the work, make the work fit you I've started to do informational interviews at the day job to understand what my career movement options are in-house before I start looking elsewhere. It has been suggested that I have the chops for (watch out: technical jargon ahead) product owner, program manager or business analyst. Business analyst is beginning to appeal to the part of me that enjoys taking things apart, understanding them and putting them back together again in more efficient, effective ways (not unlike book editing). More research to do on this front, but it's helping to alleviate the dissatisfaction and frustration I've been feeling at the day job.

Color my world Painting group was last night and I think I may have said everything I wanted to say on the canvas I was working on. I've asked the instructor to get me another canvas to work on. I'm not going to start on the new one until I look at the current work one last time to make sure I'm really done with it. I tried some new materials and techniques last night (working with a high-flow paint that feathers beautifully when squirted with water) and want to see how it all dries and resolves. Things are sparking in my head, and I'm liking the sensation.

Gemstone jam I may or may not have mentioned here that I'm going to be a vendor at the company holiday craft fair. I'm generating jewelry, but it's going more slowly than I need it to, and the fair is barreling down upon me. It has occurred to me that I've spent a lot of time making elaborately pretty things, but I need to make some really simple things that will be less expensive. Tonight I need to put together some simple, easy pendants. But this means going over to Fusion Beads to spend money on chain and cord. :: sigh :: I'll never make back the money I'm spending on this experiment. It's a worthy experiment but it's a costly one.

Time continues to fly. I think it's partly because our perception of time changes as we get older and partly because I've been keeping enormously busy. Yesterday, my body finally said, "Enough!" I spent the morning alternately sleeping and getting little things done (and Skyping with skidspoppe). I spent the afternoon being productive. I spent dinner with suricattus and later an hour or so Skyping with davidlevine--good visits, both.

Things in general can be summed up as follows:

Work: Someone at the office may be keeping tabs on my LJ. Why do I think this? Because within days of my last post, whence I complained about not feeling challenged, I was named product owner for the shopping experience on the website for 2017. (Of course, I mentioned in my annual self review that my biggest challenge at work was that my ambition and skill set outstripped my authority, my influence and my reach. That may have had something to do with it.) It's a big responsibility, and I suspect that it's a test run for work yet to come. I'm excited and scared and hoping that I can rock it like a rocking thing. We'll see.

Travel: My trip to San Francisco looms. I'm looking forward to seeing the family and to seeing local friends. I'm looking forward to sightseeing as well. My brother and sister-in-law travel a little differently than I do, so it will be interesting to see whether or not our styles mesh. But overriding it, I suspect, will just be getting to see them and my niece. Also, EB and I have purchased our tickets to fly to Ireland in July. Very excited about that. I've been reading a history of Ireland; I'm up to the early 1600s. That's a lot of warfare for such a small place! Next on the planning schedule is figuring out where we're going and staying. We've made up a wishlist of things to see and do; more to come when I get back from California.

Bathroom renovation: I've gotten the prep instructions from the contractor. The letter is calling for my clearing 200 square feet of space so they can stage the work. Also, to cover anything near the work area in plastic. I'm not sure exactly how I'm going to do all that, but it seems clear that it will be necessary. I've got a weekend put aside specifically for this work, so I'll get it done, one way or another.

Ecumenism R us: I attended the baptism of MG's son on Saturday. I've never attended the actual service for such a thing before, only the after-party. But MG needed someone to be a photographer and I stepped up. Religious ritual in general interests me, always has, and getting a glimpse into Catholic practice was fascinating. There is some commonality with Jewish practice, but where there are differences, they are dramatic. It was lovely to see MG so happy and excited, and I was happy to be present. At the same time, there was a moment when I was distinctly uncomfortable. The reading from the Gospel was, well, pretty hostile to Jews. I was a guest; I didn't say anything about it. But clearly I was not the audience for this particular thing. And it was not in anyone's interest for me to rain on what was, for MG, clearly a special day. I took about 130 pictures, winnowed them down to the 30-or-so best of the bunch and shared them. The after-party was small but pleasant. And I learned a thing or two about Catholicism that I didn't know before. As long as I'm learning, I'm good.

I go into this week with a pretty clear schedule of Things That Must Be Done: dentist appointment, haircut, Pesach plans, and then a flight to parts south. It's going to be busy, but I'm hoping it's all going to be good. Fingers crossed!

1) Just finished reading our own jimhines's (Jim C. Hines) Unbound and enjoyed it quite a bit.* I really like his Magic Ex Libris series, with its book magic and its librarian hero, Isaac (who looks incredibly hot on this volume's cover--guy's been doing upper body work at the gym, I see). They're fun, fast reads, peppered with history and humor. They're thoughtful and clever. I like all of the protagonists, and I also like the matter-of-fact portrayal of a working polyamorous relationship. Looking forward to the fourth and final volume in the series, Revisionary, which was just published in hardcover. And now, I'm on to Stephen King's 11/22/63. I'm late, I know, but I figure better now than after the TV series premieres.

2) I want, very much, to love my day job and I just don't. Doesn't help that it's the slow time of the year and there's just not much for me to do. I will occasionally propose a project and be told that there's no budget or that it's not the direction we're going in, or that it needs to wait until another group's plans are solidified. There's no question that it's a way to pay for my roof and cat kibble and all that. But every day I find myself less motivated and less interested in going to the office. Even working with people I genuinely like, I just . . . my heart's just not in it much anymore. And I don't know what other direction to turn in to change things up.

3) Plans for travel continue apace. It's going to be a busy year. Next week I'm off to the rainforest for Patrick Swenson's Rainforest Writers Village retreat. Next month I'll be at Norwescon (first time in years I haven't been on programming and I find myself remarkably OK with that). In April, I'm off to San Francisco for a trip with family. And it looks like, in July, EB and I are off to Ireland. I'm reading and learning and trying to prep. I'm hoping plans will pick up after EB and I are both back from the retreat.

4) Lately, I just want to hibernate, hibernate, hibernate. It could have to do with my weight gain. It could have to do with my depression. Even medicated, I struggle sometimes. I need to find that therapist I've been trying to find for three months. After two false starts, I'm weary and wary, I admit.

5) My one solace right now is the crafting. I've been working on a modified version of a woven beaded necklace that I've made a number of times before. It's painstaking, meticulous work, and I exhausted myself the other night figuring out how to create the effect I wanted, but in a really good way. Had Sophie not insisted on cuddle time, I would have continued last night. So there's that.


* Every now and then, I'll refer to an author as "our own." This generally means they're part of the LiveJournal community. But it also means that I'm pleased and proud to be associated with them in this, the most tenuous of connections, even if I've never met them in person. In these latter days, with so few of us still here, we are--in my mind, anyway--a special group. We get to know each other in ways we never would on something like Facebook. It's awesome.

So, it was quite the storm today: major winds and rain, just as predicted. Many folks I know lost power and still haven't gotten it back yet. My power flickered a couple of times but it remained on. Glad I didn't have to deal with an outage.

So here's a thing going on that I haven't mentioned: I'm interviewing with Facebook tomorrow. It's a second interview--a first with the hiring manager. The position is based on Menlo Park and if I took the job, I'd have to move. Here's the thing: I had a first interview with the recruiter and told her, point blank, that though working for FB would be exciting, the role we're discussing would be a lateral move for me and I'm really interested in something that would be a promotion. She insisted that I talk with the hiring manager, that though it might be a lateral move, Facebook is so big that it was likely I could move in the organization within a year or a little more.

In email, I received links from someone else on the recruitment team that they suggested I review before the meeting. I'm looking at them now, knowing what my role would be, and I find I'm just bored. I've done this all before. I agreed to talk to the hiring manager, but I can't imagine much that would motivate me to take the job, sell my home (or rent it from a distance--bleh), and move my entire life to northern California unless promotion would be guaranteed and the money would be spectacular. But no one can guarantee promotion and money can only make up for so much.

What all this boils down to is that I find myself wondering if I'm done with working on the web. Or, at least, working in content. I've been so dissatisfied with my day job lately that I find it hard to focus and not to snap at coworkers. I just get impatient with people (especially the woman who recruited me for the job I have now; she doesn't realize exactly how condescending she comes across and it's infuriating). But I don't know what I'd do next. There's a piece of me that would like to toss this 40-hours-a-week thing, but I have a mortgage and other bills to pay and, at my age, I admit that I've become accustomed to living in a certain way. I've been building security for retirement and I don't want to stop that. Also, I don't do well with financial uncertainty.

So there we are. I know I need to do some evaluation. I'm not even sure how to start. But I do know one thing: I can't go on being frustrated and unhappy at work. Something's got to give.

Water's in the kettle for tea, cats have been fed and watered (though if you asked them, not nearly enough), and I'm dressed. Thus starteth the day. While I did my morning blog roll, I turned on the happy light to help get me started. I can already feel it working. It's so bizarre how something as simple as light can make such an enormous difference. And yet, I can feel bits of me perking up, waking up, getting antsy to be active. Meanwhile, it's 7:30 and it's still dark outside. On November 1, we fall back--another hour of darkness in the morning. Way up here in the north, the benefits of daylight savings are few.

Work continues stressful. I've been working at home the last few business days and will do so today as well. It's not my usual mode and I don't plan to make a habit of it, but right now, it's easier for me to work at home and get started earlier in the day. After my business trip this week, I'll be back in the office more regularly. At least, that's what I've promised myself. I want to like my day job more than I do right now. Maybe I will after all the open enrollment work is done. We'll see.

I've been spending too much money lately. Bought a dress for the business trip (red, long sleeves, cowl neck, with a nice, if strange, hemline that actually drapes very well), tights, and a new winter coat, mainly because my lovely red coat is now too small and my old winter pea coat is too big. The sleeves on the new coat are being shortened and it should be ready this coming weekend--not a moment too soon. Possibly not quite soon enough. It's been getting colder. (Well, not so very cold--58-62 degrees, but cold enough that the heat in the house is coming on without my touching the thermostat.) But the new coat is sharp and stylish, not to mention necessarily warm. And I still have my Eddie Baur rain anorak, though it's so old at this point that I notice it's absorbing as much rain as it's deflecting.

My living room floor is littered with cat toys. (Well, OK, not littered precisely, but there are toys here and there.) So what is Ezekiel playing with this morning? The remains of the mouse-snake bestowed upon him by an ex-boyfriend as much as five years ago. It's nothing more than a scrap of fake fur at this point, but apparently it's far more interesting than the more-recently-acquired intact catnip toys just a foot or so away. Cats. :: sigh ::

ETA: Sometimes I want to save corworkers face. Sometimes I want to smack them in the face. Sometimes, the distance between the two desires is not so very far at all and can turn on a dime.


* "Random thoughts before the tea kicks in," with a hat tip to puppetmaker40 for the acroynm

Weather
First of all, it's hot. I know, I know, it's summer, it's supposed to be hot. But in Seattle, summers are typically warm and mild. The last week or so, the weather has been scorching: sunny, uncharacteristically without rain and, yesterday, humid--at least by Seattle standards. The level of the strangeness of this weather cannot be overestimated. Let's put it this way: when I want it to get overcast and rainy? You know something is wrong.

The day job
Work has been strange and stressful. Our team was reorganized a couple of months back--or perhaps it's more correct to say that our team was nuked from orbit, because it was the only way to be sure that the new chief marketing officer had the team she wanted, and refocused the company on sales. The result of this reorg is that a team that worked like a well-oiled machine, a team that everyone was pleased with, has been split into four, maybe five other groups. There is no more web team. We're all pieces of other groups now. No one communicates with anyone the way they used to, mandates and goals for the website aren't being shared effectively and many of us are feeling like we've been set adrift, occasionally pushed in what may be the right direction, but no one knows for sure. Either the workload has increased, or we're feeling the loss of protection as a group that we had while our old director was still with the company. (She was laid off as a result of the reorg. She was a friend and mentor to me and I miss her keenly.) It has been stressful and has resulted in all of us feeling like we're casting about in the darkness for the right handhold so that we don't fall down an unseen hole.

I threw a fit earlier this week because, as the result of one (smart but poorly considered and incompletely conceived) mandate, our design team forgot a key piece of the design for a new feature on the website. I talked to every manager who would listen to me. As the message was communicated up the chain, the reaction was, "What? Wait. We missed . . . what? That's important? Well, crap. OK, you're right. Let's fix that . . . when we have time." It was a slow realization, like management was waking up from a drugged stupor, and I'm still not convinced that it's going to be properly addressed. Why did I make a fuss? Because I was asked to write copy for this incomplete design and couldn't finish my work because the workflow obviously had holes in it. I actually lost sleep over it. I had trouble speaking about it because I was so upset about it. This is so not me, and it's a result of the new environment at work. It's like people just aren't paying attention to anything except what management turns its fickle, ADD-addled eye upon next rather than focusing on steady progress to key goals. There are squirrels in the process everywhere.* It's making work a less-than-pleasant place to be.

Writing and editing
Well, the Kobold Guide to Combat wasn't nominated for an ENnie Award. I'm disappointed but not surprised. I know that an award nomination is not an indication that a project has been a failure. It's a good book; it's just not at the very top of its category--in a year that was very strong indeed. It was an ambitious project and, of all the books in the series, it was the hardest to pull together. Some writers whom I thought could deliver just didn't. Others didn't deliver what was asked of them. From this I learn that I need to better scope out the writers I choose for projects. I learn that some writers are great storytellers but not non-fiction writers. And I learn that when I make an assignment, I have to be crystal clear about the requirements and the goals of the essay and the project. In some cases, I probably wasn't.

I also learned that I need to make better choices about how and when I take on a project. This was the right project at, I suspect, the wrong time. It's why I'm taking a hiatus from the Kobold series. I love working with the Kobold team and the_monkey_king. I loved those projects. But they meant that I wasn't writing. And the time of the year that the work came meant that I spent a beautiful summer indoors editing, which made me restless and dissatisfied.

On the writing front, I've been working on my Mary Todd Lincoln story all spring in fits and starts due to time constraints and it's making me unhappy. I should be done with the story by now. I want it out in the world. But it's not finished and, as a result, I'm falling a little out of love with it. I've never been a fast writer. I'm hoping that this torturous process won't kill this story for me the way it has others that I've adored. ::sigh::

Other stuff
There's other stuff I want to write about--my weight, the challenging emotional environment I'm dealing with right now, my utter inability to declutter the house, my lack of travel and the empty prospect for same--but it all seems kind of overwhelming. I think what it all boils down to is that I may need to do what I promised myself I'd never do again: get back into therapy. The level of "I don't want to" is pretty high in that direction, and yet a lot of what I've been thinking and feeling has suggested that I really need to do it soon. It doesn't anger or frustrate me. It just makes me sad.

The holiday weekend is upon us, and I'm looking forward to some dedicated Me Time--which I haven't had in weeks. I may be inviting some people into this time, but I'm going to be careful about who. I need to foster the relationships that nourish me and, for once, listen to my inner self about not letting those that don't drain my energy completely. I need it for me.



* In case anyone, years from now, reads this journal entry and doesn't understand the squirrel reference: SQUIRREL!

1) I've recently seen ads for concerts by Yes and by Alan Parsons Project and I couldn't get excited about the prospect of attending either. This is A Change; I adored these bands for years. I saw Parsons once: they stood, they played, they left. Awesome music, exactly zero stage presence. I can listen to my discs and MP3s if I want a stay-at-home experience. I've seen Yes at least four times, maybe five. The last time, Anderson used a teleprompter and still forgot words, and Squire somehow lost the rhythm in one song and took a verse to find it again. At the prices this band commands, I think I've seen my last Yes show, much as I'd like to go. I'm not spending much money on concerts these days--hardly any at all. It has to be something special--and, frankly, something reasonably priced--for me to attend a show anymore. The confluence of the two is so rare that I suspect my concert days are dwindling to nothingness.

2) Proposition 1, a special ballot connected to transit in King County where I live, has failed. That means, most significantly, major cuts to bus service and other transit-related things. How shortsighted are we as a city that we'll undermine a service that's being used more than ever? Pretty damn shortsighted. Friends of Transit is pulling together a proposed measure to save those bus lines. I guess we'll see what happens. mcjulie has some things to say on the subject that are worth reading. Mainly, she's interpreting the results, and I don't think she's wrong.

3) Things at work are very, very busy. I'm on two teams, both of which are hitting crunch time, and I'm getting squeezed all around. I don't respond well to the kind of pressure I'm getting: Are you done yet? How much longer? Is your reporting up to date? Please update your reporting. What's taking you so long? Why are you working on that project for the other team? Are you done yet? ::sigh:: I promised myself I'd go to the office early today to try to get a leg up. I don't actually see that happening.

4) I harvested the first salad from this year's balcony garden and had said salad for lunch yesterday. It was gratifying and delicious.

5) I have a Thing happening with my left eye. I think it may be work-stress related. It feels like there's something in my eye--the left corner of my left eye specifically--but when I examine it in a mirror, I can't see anything wrong there except a little bit of blood in the corner there. I need to make an appointment with my eye doctor. I don't like this. I don't like this at all. I don't know when I can go, though. See number 3 above. I'm . . . irritated.