Writing, avoidance behavior, and what's really going on there

[scarlettina]

In the wake of the weekend's festivities (the Locus Awards, to be specific--which included the company of many most excellent folks), I decided that because I was pretty peopled out, rather than going to meet the usual suspects for writing this morning, I'd stay home and write by myself, well, in the company of the usual pussycats. But here's what's happened so far:

--I've done laundry
--I've washed the dishes
--I've paid some bills
--I've researched how to properly thin carrot seedlings (because the balcony garden grows apace)
--I've prepared a bag of stuff to donate to Goodwill, which I'll be visiting later today

And every time I've gotten myself to sit down to write, I've popped up again like a jack-in-the-box to get something to eat.

Hmmmm.

That's self-medicating behavior. That's insecurity and unhappiness. Mostly, what it is, is not believing in myself. Not believing that the time will be well-spent. Not believing that, once the work is done, anyone will want to read what it is I've written. There's been lots of rejection the last couple of years. In my own head, my hyper-critical self keeps saying that this project is really a pretty midlist sort of idea, nothing that will really break out--what's the point of the exercise?

Years ago--we're talkin' years here--bravado111 said to me that I get in my own way better than anyone he's ever met. See above and witness the getting-in-the-way behavior. But it's outward. The getting-in-the-way behavior is really the stuff that happens in my head. That's the real toxicity. Even writing this post is avoidance behavior.

I don't know how I get out of my own way except to sit down and do the work.

I want to want this so bad that I can't get in my own way. I want to believe it will be worth it. It's always a fight for me.

On with the fight then.

Comments

[lagilman]

Sounds like you need the war-room, some days. We excel in making sure everyone's out of their own way and ON their way...

(IOW, you're not alone, and help helps. :-) )

[scarlettina.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I have a couple of local gangs that I get together with to write: one almost every Sunday morning, one on the first and third Tuesdays of every month, and I've just been invited to a Thursday night group. I go as I can. The car thing makes it more challenging, though, I admit.

[ex-triciasu.livejournal.com]

You are so not alone. I still do this after 20 years. I agree that the only way to get out of your way is to get out of your way. It's a Yogi Berra universe.

*hugs* I believe in you.

[scarlettina.livejournal.com]

Thank you, Trish. :-)

[joycemocha.livejournal.com]

Yep. I had a day like that Friday, and then yesterday...so today I just plain decided this was a house and family day (which, truthfully OMG needed to happen). For me, to get around it takes viciously telling myself that I was not to judge, could not judge, during the actual writing. I did edits at a different time, on paper sometimes if I felt particularly despairing about the whole thing, until I just had to take it to the computer.

The other piece is that I had to schedule time rigorously and use a massive to-do when list because yeah, stuff has to get done. I'm seeing I'm going to need to do this for the summer...

...but man, I absolutely hate the first few days of that sort of rigor. Gotta do it...but oh man. Discipline.

IOW, hugs. You are not the only one. We're all in this together.

[skidspoppe.livejournal.com]

*I* want to read it!

[scarlettina.livejournal.com]

And this, Jaq, is why we love you. :-)

[davidlevine]

Tentacles! Teeth! Screaming!

[scarlettina.livejournal.com]

::diabolical laughter:: There may be some of all of that. Or some of some of that. In the end, though, this is about my heroine and her demons. In some respects, her literal demons. I'm figuring it out.

[claireeddy.livejournal.com]

Hmm.  I will have to think on this.  Given our conversation today I have an idea that may or may not help.

But one thing I know.  You do have the tools.  You have to decide what to do with them.  In some ways that is the hardest part...

[scarlettina.livejournal.com]

Curious to hear your idea, Claire. I worked more on the outline tonight. Will keep going....

[mcjulie.livejournal.com]

I'm pretty sure that everyone who writes, has had at least a few days like that.

When my brain doesn't want to slide into writing mode, trying to get it there feels like the worst kind of exercise in futility.

[e-bourne.livejournal.com]

I'm totally spit balling here, so keep that in mind.

I wonder if you somehow need to sit shiva for the aunt in your head -- the one who's always told you the arts were a waste of time, you won't get anywhere with that, and besides, you probably aren't good at it. I wonder if you've taken her frowny-faced, carping comments and internalized somehow, and it's her voice that drives you to do other things.

And I wonder why writing different from beading, or photography for that matter, or making a beautiful book of your photos. You don't have trouble doing those things (in fact, you're quite good at it), and it's also creative. What makes that Different From Writing?

Sorry for the questions but no answers.